here I will share what the song on top of the world by imagine dragons (whose lead singer dan reynolds has dealt with anxiety and depression read more here) has always meant to me
If you love somebody
Better tell them while they’re here ’cause
They just may run away from you
(I used to be able to convince myself that no one would miss me if I died. This is the most devastating part for people who have to deal with suicide - the abruptness)Then again it just depends on
How long of time is left for you
(I felt that I was always at the mercy of my depression, which could strike at any moment without warning. I never knew when the next unbearable moment would hit me, and when my desire to live would fade away to nothing. I was constantly living with the fact that maybe the next time it struck, I wouldn't have the strength to fight back, that I would finally give in to the seductive promises of escape that death offered. Every birthday was a celebration for me - I made it an entire year without giving in! I'd survived! I never believed I would make it to the next landmark.)
I've had the highest mountains
I’ve had the deepest rivers
You can have it all but life keeps moving
(My first semester of college in particular, I constantly had this image in my mind of a graph of emotional range, with the normal person symbolized by a mild-mannered little curvy line never straying far from the x-axis, with mine a wildly flamboyant sine curve that jutted off the graph, going from one extremity to the other dizzyingly fast. I hated having so little control and constantly being flung back and forth from devastatingly incapable of functioning to being ecstatic and drunk off life. I wondered constantly what it felt like to live within the confines of that teeny range I figured most people occupied, but eventually gave in to the fact that regardless of what my emotions were doing with me, time marched on and I would keep going regardless of where on the graph I was. Now that I've recovered, I exist only in the positive range, far above that limited little area where most live, my joy enhanced tenfold by my prior experiences.)
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
(It's been three years since I've felt this good for this long, and while that doesn't sound like a long time, it's been a lifetime. Or many, many lifetimes if you consider the number of times I nearly stopped living. I never imagined I was capable of maintaining this level of sanity for this length of time. Granted, it's been less than 36 days since I last seriously considered ending my own life, but it's the past 13 that have felt like another lifetime in itself - living in constant bliss for a couple weeks is indescribable after a thousand days of fighting for the will to live.)
Paying my dues to the dirt
(This line's a little harder to describe, but in my mind it's the nearly-obligatory focus on every existing flaw in the world when in a depressed state. I felt that to not acknowledge how shitty life was to live in a self-created illusion, and thus felt it was my duty to practically worship everything I hated about humanity and society.)
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
(It took me 287 days to tell one person that I had an issue. I continued to fake happiness to all my friends for a long time thereafter. I still have yet to tell many of my closest friends that anything was ever wrong with me.)
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I've been dealing with depression from the age of 15, so it's kind of strange to realize I've made it to adulthood because at that time I never dreamed of living this long. I also never believed I could truly be completely ok like I am in this particular moment.
I’m on top of the world.
There is literally no way to describe how incredible feels to be able to say, "Hey, I'm a functional human being right now!" Sometimes it's hard to believe so few people have experienced the complete elation of extreme satisfaction with life after feeling like you couldn't live another minute. There is no feeling like being in love with simply living after months of hating everything about your life and yourself.
Try to take the easy way out
There are so many times I wanted to escape more than anything. I've carried death in my back pocket like a security blanket, reassuring me there was a way out if I couldn't handle it anymore. I hated the fact that this would have implications, that I couldn't simply cease to exist without implications - I hated people for caring about me and whether I was alive or not.
I kept on falling short of something
And yet for some reason I've gotten back up every time, and each time I want to give up, I think of all the times I've wanted to in the past, and what I would've missed out on if I had. Whenever I am truly happy in a moment, I make a mental note to my future self that such feelings are possible, so I can pull out that moment the next time I think life isn't worth living.
Then again I couldn’t have ’cause
I’ve traveled all this way for something
These two lines have kept me going ever since I first heard the song. Eerily, this song (and demons) came out the year I came down with depression. I have to remind myself of all the times I've overcome the desire to give up and hope I can muster up the courage to keep going. Because there's always the danger of framing my experiences instead in the view of "I've wanted to give up so many times now, I may as well just end it now and quit this cycle. It's about time I finally did what I've wanted to do so many times." It's the belief that I've made it through so much for a reason that is vital to get me through another rough patch.
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now.
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now.
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.
You’ll never know quite when, well
I’ve had the highest mountains
I take it in but don’t look down
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’ve tried to cut these corners
I coulda gave up then but
I take it in but don’t look down
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Oooooooo... OoooAhhhhhOoooAhhhhh[2x]
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
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