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on top of the world - imagine dragons

In case you haven't noticed, I can interpret just about anything to be about depression - it's my special talent :)
here I will share what the song on top of the world by imagine dragons (whose lead singer dan reynolds has dealt with anxiety and depression read more here) has always meant to me

If you love somebody

Better tell them while they’re here ’cause

They just may run away from you

(I used to be able to convince myself that no one would miss me if I died. 
This is the most devastating part for people who have to deal with suicide - the abruptness)Then again it just depends on
How long of time is left for you
(I felt that I was always at the mercy of my depression, which could strike at any moment without warning. I never knew when the next unbearable moment would hit me, and when my desire to live would fade away to nothing. I was constantly living with the fact that maybe the next time it struck, I wouldn't have the strength to fight back, that I would finally give in to the seductive promises of escape that death offered. Every birthday was a celebration for me - I made it an entire year without giving in! I'd survived! I never believed I would make it to the next landmark.)
I've had the highest mountains
I’ve had the deepest rivers
You can have it all but life keeps moving
(My first semester of college in particular, I constantly had this image in my mind of a graph of emotional range, with the normal person symbolized by a mild-mannered little curvy line never straying far from the x-axis, with mine a wildly flamboyant sine curve that jutted off the graph, going from one extremity to the other dizzyingly fast. I hated having so little control and constantly being flung back and forth from devastatingly incapable of functioning to being ecstatic and drunk off life. I wondered constantly what it felt like to live within the confines of that teeny range I figured most people occupied, but eventually gave in to the fact that regardless of what my emotions were doing with me, time marched on and I would keep going regardless of where on the graph I was. Now that I've recovered, I exist only in the positive range, far above that limited little area where most live, my joy enhanced tenfold by my prior experiences.)
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
(It's been three years since I've felt this good for this long, and while that doesn't sound like a long time, it's been a lifetime. Or many, many lifetimes if you consider the number of times I nearly stopped living. I never imagined I was capable of maintaining this level of sanity for this length of time. Granted, it's been less than 36 days since I last seriously considered ending my own life, but it's the past 13 that have felt like another lifetime in itself - living in constant bliss for a couple weeks is indescribable after a thousand days of fighting for the will to live.)
Paying my dues to the dirt
(This line's a little harder to describe, but in my mind it's the nearly-obligatory focus on every existing flaw in the world when in a depressed state. I felt that to not acknowledge how shitty life was to live in a self-created illusion, and thus felt it was my duty to practically worship everything I hated about humanity and society.)
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
(It took me 287 days to tell one person that I had an issue. I continued to fake happiness to all my friends for a long time thereafter. I still have yet to tell many of my closest friends that anything was ever wrong with me.)
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I've been dealing with depression from the age of 15, so it's kind of strange to realize I've made it to adulthood because at that time I never dreamed of living this long. I also never believed I could truly be completely ok like I am in this particular moment.
I’m on top of the world.
There is literally no way to describe how incredible feels to be able to say, "Hey, I'm a functional human being right now!" Sometimes it's hard to believe so few people have experienced the complete elation of extreme satisfaction with life after feeling like you couldn't live another minute. There is no feeling like being in love with simply living after months of hating everything about your life and yourself. 
Try to take the easy way out
There are so many times I wanted to escape more than anything. I've carried death in my back pocket like a security blanket, reassuring me there was a way out if I couldn't handle it anymore. I hated the fact that this would have implications, that I couldn't simply cease to exist without implications - I hated people for caring about me and whether I was alive or not.
I kept on falling short of something
And yet for some reason I've gotten back up every time, and each time I want to give up, I think of all the times I've wanted to in the past, and what I would've missed out on if I had. Whenever I am truly happy in a moment, I make a mental note to my future self that such feelings are possible, so I can pull out that moment the next time I think life isn't worth living. 
Then again I couldn’t have ’cause
I’ve traveled all this way for something
These two lines have kept me going ever since I first heard the song. Eerily, this song (and demons) came out the year I came down with depression. I have to remind myself of all the times I've overcome the desire to give up and hope I can muster up the courage to keep going. Because there's always the danger of framing my experiences instead in the view of "I've wanted to give up so many times now, I may as well just end it now and quit this cycle. It's about time I finally did what I've wanted to do so many times." It's the belief that I've made it through so much for a reason that is vital to get me through another rough patch. 
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now.
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now.
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.

You’ll never know quite when, well

I’ve had the highest mountains

I take it in but don’t look down

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay

I’ve tried to cut these corners

I coulda gave up then but

I take it in but don’t look down

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay

Oooooooo... OoooAhhhhhOoooAhhhhh[2x]

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay

Daily Surprises

Unpredictability is easily one of the most terrifying aspects of depression. After living with the disorder for a certain period of time, you come to feel you've lost all control over your life. Every night you go to bed, wondering which version of yourself you'll wake up to. Every day is a gamble in what I'll face: the devastation of paralyzing hopelessness, or the glee of being a fully functional unimpaired, energetic human being bursting with enthusiasm. But don't let me mislead you into thinking depression has any regard for such neat boundaries: It doesn't change on a day-by-day basis, but rather hour by hour, leaving its victim swinging recklessly by a thin thread from one extreme to another, covering a full spectrum of experiences in the average week. One day you're left with the undeniable conviction that all effort to find meaning is futile and are utterly convinced your existence is entirely insignificant, and the next you find yourself with a devil-may-care attitude, unable to find the motivation to care where life takes you, regardless of direction. And then there are those precious fleeting moments of being absolutely on top of the world, living the kind of high only someone who's been so low could ever understand, feeling as though you can conquer the world and have limitless energy and love to share.
Just a couple days ago, I slept through class (I had never in my life skipped a class in my life before that instance) because I just couldn't find it in me to walk to the lecture that had completely captivated me the previous week, bringing the hours I spent asleep within 24 hours close to 15. And here I am now at 6:30 in the morning, not having slept in 24 hours. I went to bed several hours ago but have been too happy to sleep. I'm actually excited to see how much work I can make up this weekend from the past week wasted in either paralyzing hopelessness or toxic lack of motivation. Instead of sleeping, I've mapped out every second of the coming week, figuring out a precise strategy for getting back on top of work. (Last semester I was so neurotic about getting things done in time that I always worked a week ahead of deadlines.)
The timid blue daylight is trying to creep in around my shade, but sleep is the last thing on my mind. Instead I'm thinking about the day I turned 18, a milestone in my life I never imagined I'd live to see. With the seductive promise of death as an escape from my problems creeping into my thoughts on a weekly basis, it's a fair estimate to claim that I've survived lethal thoughts on around 140 occasions in which it would have been easier to convince myself to put an end to all this craziness.  (I know, I know, I should wait another 10 days to post this, but who knows what state I'll be in that day?!)
Who knows, maybe I've only got a few hours left until I crash into a pit of lethargy and impairment, but until then, I'm enjoying this brief moment of basking in the glory of having made it this far. In moments like these, I always want to send a letter to every person who's helped me through the past two and a half years by showing how much they cared about me. Every smile counts. Every little scrap of encouragement is of the utmost importance - these tiny gestures of proving the worth of my existence are what keep me anchored to this earth in those moments, and it's often those who would never guess what I'm going through that keep me alive.
You never know when you might save someone's life with a smile! :)

what is said vs. what is meant

please check out this amazing suicide prevention ad campaign! when I found these images a couple years ago, they really resonated with me - it highlights the contrast between the messages I was able to send to those around me to my internal dialogue. and from the other side of the coin, the messages epitomize my mom's horror about her friend who'd killed himself - "he would never do that! nobody saw it coming!"
the reason i'm posting this:
depressed people aren't the ones walking around with their shoulders slumped over and frowns displayed prominently on their faces - they're the people who smile at strangers they pass, the first ones to offer a reassuring word to those in need. please keep that in mind.

Frozen as a Story about Depression

The story of Frozen is centered around a royal family. This very fact lends itself to depression: Often it is the people with the most life-threatening obstacles who have the strongest will to live, but when there are no obstacles whatsoever, it’s far easier to question existence and why death is something to fear.

At a young age it becomes clear that there is something that sets Elsa apart. Her parents notice that there is something “special” about her, and tell her she must hide what makes her different, even from her own sister. To make sure it remains a secret, they lock up the castle, and Elsa is closed up in a room by herself, the worst thing they could possibly do for someone threatened by her own thoughts.

Her “special power” is noticed when her sister gets hurt. One thing about people who are depressed is that they are afraid they are going to hurt other people just by being around them. This is especially the case with younger children, even more so for a younger sibling someone is protective of. Being around young children can be nerve-wracking for someone who’s depressed because they feel that their mere presence will dampen the child’s bright outlook and that the child will experience their own pain. 

The fact that Elsa did hurt Ana would be crippling – depression magnifies guilt. Elsa was so afraid of hurting her again that she wouldn’t let her near her. Obviously locking her out was doing a lot more harm, but that’s the thing with depression – it messes with a person’s logic. 

Back to the title, Ana’s “special power” is visually represented by ice. Depressed people will often describe themselves as feeling cold, as if their heart was wrapped in ice. They become so used to expecting tragedy that when something tragic happens, they are incapable of responding normally – they become very numb. This could explain why Elsa refused to reach out to her little sister even when their parents died – she couldn’t comfort her because she felt nothing herself. It’s almost as if when you’re depressed you’re at such a low point that nothing that happens could bring you any lower. Another aspect of depression symbolized by Elsa’s frost-making abilities is a physical cold feeling – depression patients are known to hide under blankets, but they can’t get any warmer. It physically feels as though there were ice flowing through the veins where there should be blood, and someone who is depressed might experience frequent chills even in the middle of summer. 

The metaphor continues even with the character of Olaf. First off, he is a symbol of Elsa’s carefree days of youth, a nearly painful memory for someone who cannot fathom what joy feels like. Back to Frozen, Olaf speaks of wanting to experience summer time. We know that he cannot sunbathe because he would melt. For someone who is depressed, they can stand in the sun all day and not feel any warmth. This is very frustrating because they want to be enjoying themselves but they can’t. Also, the ice is a visible symbol of the depression. Often the fact that depression is purely mental is infuriating because no one can see what’s going on. Often, someone suffering from depression has a desire to make the pain visible for everyone to see. When Elsa creates visible ice, her parents are horrified and tell her she must hide it, and give her gloves to conceal it. 

The gloves are an important symbol of the need to conceal what makes Elsa different from everyone else. Her parents are a physical representation of society demanding that she lock up doors so no one can see who she is, that in all cases one must hide what makes them different. For a depression patient, this is almost a natural reflex: they are terrified of misunderstanding, and don’t think anyone would ever be able to understand them, so they shut them out.

The doors that separate Elsa and Ana are also an important symbol. Ana’s persistent knocking symbolizes the people who care about someone who’s depressed – they desperately want to be let in to the person’s world, and try to barge in and help however they can. This is always met with the same response. The door is a symbol of the walls a depressed person builds around them to keep others out. They see it as protecting those who care from the demons trapped inside them. Again, it also acts as a way to deter misunderstanding. The “frozen” theme and door are combined into one symbol when Elsa builds a wall of icicles around her after being discovered, separating herself from everyone else. Eventually, Elsa builds an entire castle with her ice on a remote mountaintop that is difficult to reach. This is a symbol of the distance a depressed person will put between themselves and everyone else. An inherent characteristic of depression is that patients feel there is no way anyone has ever felt like them. They feel it is impossible to relate to anyone else. The very idea that someone might have similar thoughts is absolutely appalling and absurd. This is why they shut everyone out – they are afraid that if others realize what goes on in their heads, they will run away in terror and misunderstanding. It’s better to shut people out than have them run away from you.

Another part of pushing away those who care is the whole idea of having them see you as an “untamed beast” – to let them see your dark side is embarrassing, shameful, and terrifying. It’s the idea of not being able to control yourself that is especially shameful and silencing to a depressed person – this is the reason they will always put on a show that nothing is wrong, and why Elsa keeps it a secret from Ana for years. At one point in the movie, the foreigner (outsider, someone who doesn’t understand) says Elsa is evil and must be done away with – which in Elsa’s big fear. She doesn’t want anyone to see her as evil and dark like her mind. Later when facing this guy’s henchmen, Ana’s lover says “Don’t be the monster that they see you as,” which stops Elsa in her tracks. To let someone see her as a “monster” is of course horrible and enough to paralyze her so she almost gets killed.

Elsa does not have any romantic relationships in the story because that is unfathomable to someone who’s depressed – either they are being completely fake (which is exhausting and another reason to run away from others), or they could try to let the other person know who they really are. The latter seems to be a monumental task that could never be accomplished. A depressed person would either feel very guilty by dating someone and “lying” to them by not actually telling the other person who they really are at all, or they could try to let them in and end up giving up and running away.

However, having someone in love with you is good medicine for someone who’s depressed. When the girls were young, Elsa hurt Ana’s head – an incident that was referred to as treatable because it wasn’t the heart. Ana just had to forget everything about her sister. Essentially, Elsa hurt Ana’s head by allowing the depression to rub off on her (her greatest fear). The thing about depression is that, although it can be medicated, a patient is unable to let go of that part of their life, and always carry it with them, fearful of its return. Having the ability to completely forget the experience would be a cure that would be for good. Also, this event and its ability to be cured is representative of the argument that “depression is all in your head” – something easily treated by fixing chemical ratios.

Elsa truly harms Ana when she unintentionally harms her heart. This symbolizes depression’s insinuation of the emotions, the actual effects of mere “chemical imbalances.” Depression truly seems hopeless when it takes over the feelings associated with the heart. Again, when the depression rubs off onto Ana, it is symbolized as a gradual freezing of the body. This condition can only be cured by “an act of true love.” This is important because it’s a kind of love that transcends the concern of friends and family that is so frustrating and impossible for a depressed person to handle. But if the patient really loves someone who genuinely loves them back, it means something more. Knowing that this person needs and wants you alive can make a huge difference for someone who’s depressed. Of course, this is not what ends up happening. But it’s still the idea that if someone a depressed person loves cares enough about them, it can be enough to keep them alive. If they are able to reach out, they can have people to live for each day, and someone to wake up for each morning. And of course, the movie ends with the Disney message that true love triumphs all. ​

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My Story

My story is one of many, but I hope that in sharing my personal experiences, I can help others to better understand the experience of living with a mental disorder. Please don't be scared away by the length - you can skip to any page and start reading without getting too confused.